Staring at the Sun
by SgtPepper592
Summary: A friendship, a pool deck, a party, a year, and a smile. A motel balcony and a summer. A fortune cookie. A graduation. And time. Veronica Mars, Logan Echolls, and losing Lilly Kane. Drabble story. Complete.


**Disclaimer:** Everything related to Veronica Mars belongs to Rob Thomas and The CW. The title is from the U2 song of the same name, which I have absolutely no right to either.

**A/N:** Writing these drabbles is like my own personal form of crack. Really. There were only supposed to be ten to span pre-series to the end of season three, and somehow that became twenty-five that go from pre-series to post-series. It's a little bit of a whirlwind, and very choppy. Not very much plot, just a look into Veronica, Logan, and Lilly. Each one is exactly 100 hundred words. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to easily classified things.

If you like it, or don't like it, or have anything that you want to say about it, review. It feels good to get those things off your chest ;).

* * *

**Staring at the Sun**

Lilly decides that she likes Veronica Mars when she comes home and tells her mother about the girl she met today. When Lilly mentions her name, the look on Celeste's face is priceless.

The flighty eight-year-old decides that Veronica is a keeper because of that look. She makes sure that Veronica comes over as often as possible. It only continues to make Celeste angrier.

Eventually, it's not even about that anymore. As Lilly spins more and more out of control, she realises that she needs Veronica to be a loyal constant as much as she needs Duncan to ground her.

* * *

Days during the hot California summer are spent lazing by the pool or on the beach. Logan's teaching Duncan how to surf while Lilly and Veronica sunbathe on the shore.

Lilly's been super excited ever since school ended. When the fall comes around, they'll finally be together again. High school, which once seemed part of a distant future, is just around the corner.

Veronica thinks it's going to be perfect. Besides, this might be the year when Duncan finally asks her out. Lilly's been saying since forever that he has a crush on her.

Veronica's already decided she'll say yes.

* * *

Veronica has vague memories of snow days and ice skating. The clear memories start after moving to Neptune, but she knows that she hasn't always lived in California, and that a long time ago she had another life.

Keith and Lianne were happy on the east coast. They returned to Neptune because Lianne's father was sick, but they never planned on staying. Soon, temporary became permanent as Keith became Sheriff and Veronica made friends.

She's pretty sure that Lianne's drinking started when they decided to stay. Veronica's not sure which she wants more: her life in Neptune or her mom.

* * *

Lilly thinks she's strapless red satin.

A small part of Veronica agrees. A larger part of her wants to be. The largest part is afraid to be anything more than she is.

Besides, Lilly's crazy enough for the both of them. Veronica doesn't know if it's possible to get in more trouble. Not that she minds. It's worth it to have them in her life.

It's really worth it when they're walking along the beach on homecoming night. Even though her dress is all cotton-candy pink and fluffy, this night with her friends makes it feel like strapless red satin.

* * *

One week, Veronica is high on life. She's envisioning college with her best friends (somewhere far, far away), walking down the aisle towards Duncan (behind Lilly, of course), and a hazy picture of a house with a white picket fence (she doesn't care if those aren't very common in Neptune, California).

The next, she's staring at Lilly's still body lying in a pool of blood on the stone deck, and her life is falling apart.

Veronica isn't stupid; she knew that everything would change eventually. But she might have been naïve enough to believe that it wouldn't happen like this.

* * *

Veronica lies on her back in the sand, staring at the sky. It's peaceful, and it reminds her of Lilly. Lilly loved it here. Veronica always thought it was just because Celeste hated the sand and the ocean. Now, she'll never know.

Some days, Logan and Duncan join her. They lie side by side and watch the clouds go by. They lie for hours, never saying a word to each other. They're still trying to figure out how to be together without her.

A week ago, they were four points connected in every direction. Today, they're three with missing links.

* * *

She stops visiting Lilly's grave. For two months after she died, Veronica went almost every week. Until that morning in December when she wakes up aching, violated, and lost.

She knows that she isn't the same girl anymore. The next day, she chops off her hair, leaving it short and jagged. She stops wearing the cute, pastel clothes (but she keeps the yellow cotton sundress). She becomes Veronica Mars, girl who builds walls and isn't afraid to stand up to 09ers and bikers alike.

And she never visits the grave again, but she thinks Lilly would be proud of her.

* * *

Watching Logan's video at Lilly's memorial hurts more than Veronica thought it would. She isn't sure if it's seeing herself in an easier time or fighting against the realisation that no matter what she does, she can't ever be that girl.

She knows that it isn't because of Lilly. It's not going to be some technicolour video put together by Logan Echolls for a ceremony Lilly would hate that will make Veronica miss her best friend.

It might be because of the smile he gives her after the memorial. The genuine one that she hasn't seen in almost a year.

* * *

She used to think that Lilly's murder caused her to end up here, but eventually she realises that they've been on this course since long before Lilly died. It was the secrets; they were breaking them. You could see it in the way that they never talked about her mother's alcoholism or Logan's long-sleeved shirts or Duncan's mysterious bouts of illness.

As time passes, she and Duncan manage to exchange small smiles in the hallways. When Logan shows up at her door late one night, Veronica starts to think that the secrets might be what will bring them together again.

* * *

It's the most ironic thing, really.

A year and a half ago, her world was turned upside down. It's been spinning and contorting in ways that make her feel like she's going to lose herself in the vortex ever since.

When she's standing on the balcony of the seediest motel in town kissing Logan Echolls, her world starts to spin even faster, and for the first time in a year and a half, she forgets to remind herself to keep breathing. Minutes later, when she's in her car driving away, Veronica is shocked to realise that she hasn't suffocated yet.

* * *

She knows it's irrational, but she doesn't care. She knows that it's not Lilly's fault; that she didn't know Aaron would kill her. Couldn't have known she'd turn around and he'd bash her head in with an ashtray.

Logan's a mess when he shows up at her door. Emotionally. Physically. He loved Lilly. She knew it. She didn't care.

And in this moment, she hates Lilly just a little bit for leaving her alone to pick up the pieces.

More than anything, she wishes she'd never found out. The truth hasn't changed her life the way it was supposed to.

* * *

Logan spins out of control that summer. He's angry at everyone: Duncan, his father, the PCHers, the town. The worst part is that Veronica knows he's still angry at her, too.

Most of the time, she tries to forget how much of a mess everything is. Sometimes, it's easy. When they're driving down the PCH in his car or spending a day at the beach, she likes to think of it as her own personal Switzerland.

Veronica can't ignore things forever, though. And when it finally catches up with her, she just runs faster and leaves Logan in the dust.

* * *

_True love stories never have endings_.

Veronica wants to believe it, but when her boyfriend leaves the country because he faces kidnapping charges for taking his illegitimate daughter with him, she starts to think that they do.

The worst part is that Veronica cares more that Duncan Kane the idea is gone than Duncan Kane her boyfriend. The past few months have been almost like old times (since it's easy enough to pretend that Lilly is just away at college). Realising that it wasn't the same and won't ever be makes her feel like she's losing Lilly all over again.

* * *

Graduation is fast approaching and so many things aren't the way they were supposed to be. She's not supposed to be planning to go to college alone. Lilly should be waiting for her on the other side, always two steps ahead of her.

She's not supposed to be vying for a scholarship she wishes didn't exist. She's not supposed to be missing Duncan. She's not supposed to be scared that she'll never see Logan again after graduation.

She's not supposed to be scared that she will see him after graduation.

He says they're epic. She runs in the other direction.

* * *

Veronica convinces him that he needs to find a permanent place to live. He can't keep being Neptune's Eloise.

He looks through the classifieds just because she asks him to. Too many bad things have happened at the Grande. They can't be happy and carefree if Duncan is everywhere and Cassidy is jumping and Aaron is hiding in the elevator.

He never finds a place. He's not interested in the 90909. None of the apartments in Neptune appeal to him. And that house on the beach that he thought might have been perfect? It reminds him too much of Lilly.

* * *

The summer days start to blend into one another. She spends most of them with Logan while her father is wrapped up in Kendall Casablancas' case.

They're uneventful. Logan tries to teach her to surf. Veronica takes him on a stakeout. They both try to forget the fact that college is looming, even if Logan is going to go to Hearst.

Veronica isn't sure they'll last past freshman orientation. In fact, she's not sure that she'll last past it. Lilly was made for college, and the knowledge that she's going makes Veronica miss her more than she has in months.

* * *

She still wakes up sweating in the middle of the night. She dreams of fire and choking on smoke and fear. She dreams of rooftops and black, cloudless nights broken by gunshots and explosions that light up the sky. She dreams of Lilly lying dead on the pool deck and patio stones that the blood won't ever disappear from.

Instead of sleeping, she talks to Logan and silently creeps out the door while her father sleeps.

She meets him on the beach and they walk along the shore trying to forget their ghosts by playing I've Never with their pasts.

* * *

The case of the stolen necklace is all encompassing. She can't sleep at night knowing someone else is out there with it.

When Lilly had been alive, she'd worn it all the time. Even after she died, she still wore it almost everyday. But as time went on, she started to wear it a little bit less. That happened when she stopped thinking about her everyday.

Veronica knows that it's okay – healthy, even – for her to move on. But she is so afraid of forgetting. And having Lilly's necklace, feeling its familiar presence around her neck, means that she hasn't.

* * *

He wakes her up early one morning coming back into his room. Logan sips his coffee and smiles at the sight of her cocooned in his comforter.

He slips back into bed as she drowsily lifts up one arm to throw the covers over him and pull him closer. Veronica buries her face in his neck, and he kisses the top of her head. They're perfectly happy pretending that it isn't eight a.m., and that they don't need to get up for classes that start in an hour.

It's mornings like these that make her think things might be perfect.

* * *

In December, she's surprised when Logan breaks up with her. One day he's telling her that he loves her, and the next that he can't be with her. She didn't think they would last, but somewhere along the way she let herself fall in love with him.

Sometimes, she feels like she's turning into Lilly with all of the secrets that she keeps. Even more so in the way that she takes Logan for granted. Like Lilly, she's fallen into the trap of expecting him to always be waiting for her. Sometimes, she thinks that's all Logan can see, too.

* * *

Getting back together is not one of the smartest decisions they've ever made. They're young, they're in love, but they're not ready for this yet. Logan's not sure that they'll ever be.

It's just a temporary way to alleviate the pain. He knows what he's done, and he knows how she is. Veronica will find out, and she won't be able to get over it.

He can't think about the future with her. He's sure it will hurt more than it did the first time. The only way he can let himself be with her like this is to lie.

* * *

Logan's not sure he expected to fall for anyone ever again. Subconsciously, he's pretty sure that he was willing to wait forever for her to forgive him.

This thing with Parker is unexpected. But it's good. She's not Lilly, and she's not Lilly's best friend. She might not even know who Lilly Kane is, and she definitely doesn't know what his life was like before she died.

For once he has a shot at having a meaningful relationship that's not overshadowed or defined by Lilly. And he knows that it's only a matter of time until he screws it up.

* * *

The last few years have been a circle. Often, Veronica feels like she is in the exact same place she was four years ago. Lilly is dead, Duncan is gone (physically, this time), her father is the bumbling local sheriff, and everybody thinks she's a slut.

The rest of the time, she sees that the difference is in people like Wallace and Mac. Veronica's learning that it's okay to need help.

Logan's different as well. Even though she tells him that he's out of her life for good, they both know it isn't the truth. It's just what they do.

* * *

The first time they talk after the showdown in the cafeteria is two weeks into her internship.

She calls him from Virginia because it's Lilly's birthday. For the first time in years, she has to remind herself to breathe. In. Out.

When he answers the phone and hears her voice break and waver a little bit as she talks, he puts aside the fact that she left without saying goodbye.

For the most part, they avoided the subject of both Kanes during the time they were together.

The fact that they're talking about one might mean they're finally growing up.

* * *

She arrives home from Virginia at the end of August, newly single and freshly disillusioned. It turns out that maybe Veronica Mars isn't cut out for the FBI. Too many rules and too much red tape. She's more of an act now kind of girl.

Three days later, he knocks on her door as she's making Wallace's 'Welcome Home' present, due to be out of the oven an hour before his flight lands.

He says that things will be different. She's not sure she can picture it. But she's always been more of an act now kind of girl anyway.


End file.
